Life often feels like a game of Jenga. We spend years carefully placing blocks—moments of kindness, shared meals, honest conversations—trying to build a stable tower of trust and love. Our relationships with our children, our partners, and even our walk with God are built block by block. But we’ve all felt that terrifying moment when the tower wobbles. Sometimes it’s a circumstance out of our control, but more often than not, it’s a word we spoke in haste or a harsh tone that pulled a critical piece from the foundation.I’ve been reflecting deeply on my role as a builder lately. Specifically, I’ve been thinking about the words I use with my son. As parents, we often walk a fine line between discipline and discouragement. I’ve asked myself: Am I being too strict, or is it just that my words are being delivered with a sharpness that tears down instead of a firm love that builds up?
The Weight of a Word: The Science of the “Negative”
In the “Couple’s Book” I’ve been reading, it mentions that it takes roughly 11 to 12 positive words to counteract the weight of just one negative interaction. While different studies offer different ratios, the science behind “Negativity Bias” supports this. Research by psychologists like Dr. John Gottman and others suggests that in stable, healthy relationships, there is a “Magic Ratio” of 5-to-1. However, when a relationship is in a state of repair or high stress, that ratio can jump significantly.Why? Because our brains are wired for survival. An “attack” (a harsh word or criticism) is processed in the amygdala—the part of the brain responsible for the fight-or-flight response. A compliment, on the other hand, is processed as a “nice-to-have” but not essential for survival. Therefore, the brain “weighs” the negative word much more heavily. To the heart of a child or a partner, one “I’m so frustrated with you” can feel heavier than a dozen “I love yous.” This is why the Jenga metaphor is so inspiring. When we pull a block out through a negative action, we don’t just leave a small hole; we weaken the structural integrity of the whole relationship. To put that block back in and make the tower steady again, it takes a massive, intentional effort of positive reinforcement.
Aligning the Foundation
I want my life to be a Jenga tower where the pieces I move—and the counter-moves I make—align with goodness. I want the foundation of my home, my work, and my relationship with my fiancé to be so aligned with God that even when the wind blows, the tower stands. But alignment requires more than just good intentions; it requires a change in habits. Research shows that it takes, on average, 66 days to form a new habit (not just the 21 days people often quote). That means if I want to change the “tone” of my home from one of strictness to one of encouraging guidance, I have to be intentional for months before it becomes my “default” setting. The Bible speaks directly to this building process. Proverbs 18:21 tells us that “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” We are literally speaking life or death into our children every morning. Ephesians 4:29 gives us the blueprint: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.”
The Privilege of Grace (Without the License to Sin)
As I navigate this, I am struck by how lucky and privileged I am to have Jesus. I know I am a sinner. I know that tomorrow, I might slip and pull a Jenga block I shouldn’t have. Knowing that Jesus is there to wipe away those sins is the greatest comfort a human can know. However, there’s a danger in that comfort—the temptation to think, “I can just get away with it because I have Him.” The Apostle Paul addressed this directly in Romans 6:1-2: “What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!”* Having Jesus isn’t a “Get Out of Jail Free” card; it’s a “New Life” card. Grace is the safety net that allows us to keep building, but it shouldn’t make us careless builders. If I truly love God, my actions should reflect my words. If I say I follow the Prince of Peace, but my home is full of harshness, there is a misalignment in my tower. I want my “actions” to be the steady hand that keeps the Jenga pieces in place.
The Impact of a Single Conversation
It’s amazing how a single conversation or reading a specific book can trigger a seismic shift in our hearts. I’ve felt that recently. Talking to a friend, hearing a challenge about my “Option C” (finding a church home), and reading about the 12-to-1 ratio has made me want to stop and recalibrate.Sometimes, we are so busy building that we don’t notice the tower is leaning. It takes a “Worthy Counselor” or a moment of quiet reflection with the Word to realize we’ve been pulling blocks from the bottom to fill the top.I am grateful for the “nudge” from God to look at my habits. It’s hard to change. It’s hard to bite your tongue when you’re tired. It’s hard to find 12 positive things to say when you’re feeling frustrated. But that is the work of a believer. We aren’t called to the easy path; we are called to the narrow one.
Building Toward the Whole World
My goal now is to ensure that every relationship I have—from my son to my future husband—is built on a foundation of Goodness. In my home: I want my son to feel like the tower is solid. I want him to know that even when I have to correct him, I am adding blocks of love, not taking them away. In my relationship: I want my fiancé and I to be “co-builders.” I want our words to be the glue that holds our Jenga tower together as we find our church home and start our life. In my work and the world: I want people to see that my words and actions are aligned. Thank You, Jesus, for being the Chief Cornerstone of my tower. Thank You for proving me wrong when I thought I was “doing enough” and showing me that there is always room to build higher and stronger. Life is a game of Jenga, and the moves are getting more complex the higher we go. But as long as my hand is guided by Yours, I’m not afraid of the wobble. I’m just going to keep building, block by block, word by word, until my whole life is a reflection of Your love.
Today's pen is tomorrows pages 